bittersweet taste in my mouth...

It is abundantly clear to me that I have had anxiety and depression for my entire life. For some it is environmental, for me I believe it is mostly genetic. As young as three years old I engaged in self punishment behaviors, including pulling out clumps of hair. As I got older I began hitting myself, though rarely with objects, usually just with my fists. I can remember hitting myself so hard I thought I would black out. By the age of 8 I was suicidal, and seriously considered impaling myself on a boy scout knife many times. Then my self abuse became even more passive, turning to food as comfort. For me, this served the same function as cutting (for those not familiar, some people make small incisions in their skin with various instruments as a way of stress relief. This cutting is often the only thing in their lives that they can truly control, and it gives them a sense of power and control in their own existence) , mainly to illicit control over my existance. When I moved and changed high schools I began martial arts. This activity took the place of my food abuse, giving me a positive outlet for stress management. The practices were frequent (2 hrs a day 6 days a week) and rigorous (it was not uncommon for me to lose 6-8 lbs per practice). Finally, I began to feel normal, or at least in control of my life. Though depression came and went during the 6 years I did this martial art, I almost never did any self abusive behavior. Finally, after my joints gave out and I needed surgery to repair them, I was unable to continue in my martial art. I have taken up new martial arts, but it isn't the same. It has been 5 years since I left my first art, and ever since I left I have engaged in abusive eating. I have finally realized what I have been doing and why I am doing it. Now I just need to figure out how to stop. I am scared and hurt, which makes me want to eat all the more. I have a support group, a counseler and a psychiatrist, but none of them have been able to tell me how to deal with this. To be fair, I only get to see my psychiatrist when my life is falling apart (he's busy) and I havn't been able to get to my counseler (aparently he's busy too). I can only thank God that He has been holding me together this far. I prayed for God to help me and to make me his servant. I think he's trying to remedy me now, and I have to say that sometimes I wonder which is worse, the disease or the cure. I know depression is worse, but it's so hard. I need some help, any help. just something to let me know that there is a strategy or a medicine or something that will work for me. my wedding is coming up in a year (praise the Lord!), and I want to be truly healthy for that, inside and out. I just don't know if I can. More later....
Dante